It's the offseason, a trying time for us Canucks writers. The hockey team that we write about hasn't done hockey in months, and they won't be back to doing hockey for months more. (Their first game is still over three months away.) It leaves us straining for something to say.
I mean, sure, we can throw a batch of takes in the oven and serve them piping hot, but with no games to observe and senselessly tag "must-win," no pre- and post-game quotes to overanalyze, and no fresh statistics with which to extract and support hypotheses, we're left with little else to do but endlessly speculate about future events, and ask questions to which no one can possibly know the answer yet.
Well I hate leaving questions unanswered. It seems like an exercise in futility. Which is why, today, rather than simply posing these rhetorical offseason questions, I'm going to try my hardest to answer each one. I think we can get through all of them really quickly, and save us all a ton of time. Then we can spend the rest of the summer outside! Let's do this.
Can the Canucks make the playoffs next season?
I don't know.
Can the Sedins have a bounceback season?
I don't know.
Is Loui Eriksson the winger the Sedins have been waiting for?
Maybe?
Will Loui Eriksson live up to his contract?
I don't know.
Will Loui Eriksson end up on Bo Horvat's line?
No clue.
Does Jannik Hansen have another twenty-goal season in him?
I don't know.
Does Alex Burrows?
In the right situation, maybe? But I don't know.
Can Bo Horvat take the next step?
No idea.
Can Sven Baertschi?
I don't know.
Can Horvat and Baertschi rekindle and harness the chemistry they showed at times last season to be a reliable secondary scoring option?
I don't know.
Can Jake Virtanen and Ben Hutton?
I don't know.
Can Anton Rodin and Philip Larsen make an immediate impact in their return to North America?
I don't know.
Can Philip Larsen help turn the Canucks' powerplay around?
I don't know.
Is Nikita Tryamkin the real deal?
I don't know.
Can Erik Gudbranson and Ben Hutton be an effective second pairing?
I don't know.
Will Willie Desjardins play Gudbranson with Luca Sbisa instead?
I don't know. (But probably.)
Will Willie Desjardins still be the Canucks' coach at the end of the year?
I don't know.
Is Jacob Markstrom ready to be the Canucks' no. 1 netminder?
I don't know.
Will Jacob Markstrom take over as the Canucks' no. 1 netminder next season?
I don't know.
Can Brandon Sutter stay healthy this season?
Hopefully?
Is Brandon Sutter a second-line centre?
I don't know.
Is it true that, when you make plans, God laughs?
I don't know.
Does you need to utter these plans aloud or write them down first, or does God start laughing the moment you think of them?
I don't know.
Can Markus Granlund and Emerson Etem prove they're top-nine forwards in the NHL?
I don't know.
Are Jake Virtanen and Justin Bieber still buds?
I don't know.
Can Chris Tanev provide more offence for the Canucks from the back-end?
Probably not, but I don't know.
Can the Canucks score more than they did last season?
I don't know.
Can the Canucks lose less than they did last season?
I don't know.
Can another Canucks prospect surprise in training camp and make the team, like Ben Hutton did last season?
I don't know.
Can Brendan Gaunce be a Canucks regular next season?
I don't know.
Can Brendan Gaunce steal the fourth-line center job from Markus Granlund?
I don't know.
Who are you and what are you doing in my house?
I don't know.
I know the players are all going to say they're in the best shape of their lives, but are they really?
I don't know.
Now that Matt Bartkowski is gone, which defender will fans hate on when they're tired of hating on Luca Sbisa?
I don't know.
Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?
I don't know.
