Despite a recent win against the New York Rangers, the Vancouver Canucks are in deep trouble this season. After a hot start, they’ve since sunk faster than a Democrat’s sense of overall wellbeing. Rumours continue to float that head coach Willie Desjardins will be replaced sooner rather than later.
This of course begs the question: is there an available coach who won’t make a dog’s dinner out of the remainder of this season? Well, you might be surprised by the number of quality options available to the Canucks. Let’s take a look at some of the candidates.
Travis Green
Travis Green has put in his time coaching Vancouver’s AHL affiliate, the Utica Comets. He’s had a few up and down seasons (largely corresponding with his access to goaltender Jacob Markstrom) but he led Utica to the Calder Cup Finals in his second season coaching a brand new Utica franchise, essentially building a team from scratch. Considering that Vancouver is about as scratch as they come, he might feel right at home.
Provided management has the patience for it, Green may be the man to guide the Canucks back to competitiveness. Just don’t expect miracles. The current roster isn't filled with stars and he’s never coached in the NHL before, so he’ll be a little bit Green.
Bob Hartley
I was initially shocked when Bob Hartley was fired in Calgary. This experienced coach has won a Stanley Cup with Colorado, and he helped foster the development of a young, fast, and dynamic core over the last couple of seasons in Calgary. He was replaced by former Canucks assistant coach Glen Gulutzan this summer after a disappointing finish last season.
I like his willingness to bestow younger players with a fair amount of responsibility. I’m less impressed by his success rate when it comes to hoisting teams out of the basement. That said, I’m not sure there’s a coach alive who could lead this current incarnation of the Canucks to a playoff spot. If Vancouver continues to float around the bottom of the conference, they may as well have a coach who can set up young Canucks players for future success.
Theo Epstein
Theo Epstein may not have any experience in the hockey world, but any sports executive who can end not one but two massive World Series droughts is welcome here. Epstein made history when in 2003 he was hired as the youngest General Manager in Major League history at age 28. He assumed control of the Boston Red Sox, and the following year he guided Boston to their first World Series win in 86 years, and then another in 2007. Later he joined the Chicago Cubs, and this fall he helped lead them to their first victory in 108 years, breaking the curse of the billy goat. That’s three World Series wins, and he’s just 42 years old.
Epstein is young and has a track record like none other for turning teams around. Sure his expertise is in baseball, but I’m certain his transition will be quick. Ball = puck, stick = bat, dugout = bench. Easy. In any event, as Vancouver’s Stanley Cup drought continues to lengthen and as the current team speeds towards the chasm of protracted irrelevance, I’m optimistic that Epstein could turn this bus around.
Kody “The Bear” Kodiak
Kody is a literal bear from the Kodiak Archipelago in Alaska. While he is related to other brown bears, like the more common North American Grizzly, Kody is much larger, weighing 600 kilograms and standing nearly 5 feet tall at the shoulder. He enjoys a diet of berries and salmon, but he’s an omnivore and thus may be attracted to work in Vancouver for its exciting food scene. Kody brings a wealth of knowledge in the realm of ursine social hierarchy, den selection and salmon fishing etiquette.
One key issue with Kody assuming coaching responsibilities here is his schedule. Being a bear, he hibernates for most of the winter, so he wouldn’t be available until the early spring. But that might coincide well for a playoff push. Therefore I'd keep an eye on Kody as a sleeper pick.
Tanner Glass
A prime candidate to become the next Canucks coach is former Vancouver scoring winger, Tanner Glass. A true renaissance man, Glass has studied almost every subject there is, including bear wrestling and Scrabble excellence. And if you for some reason lack confidence in the former prolific sniper’s ability to help Vancouver with its goal scoring woes, check the above picture to see what he was recently caught reading.
Glass is under contract with the New York Rangers, and he might be hard to pry loose. The veteran player is currently on a two-year conditioning stint with Rangers’ affiliate Hartford, and therefore is almost ready to shred the NHL once again. Still, should he be willing to step away from his playing career to join the Canucks as head coach, expect both Vancouver’s scoring and vocabulary to improve.
Head Toast Joel Quenneville
One way to accelerate Vancouver’s return to competitiveness is to secure the services of a truly championship quality coach. Since none of those are available, the obvious next best thing is a grilled bread facsimile of a championship quality coach.
Head Toast Joel Quenneville brings all the same coaching qualities to the table as his human counterpart, if by coaching qualities you mean extremely vague facial similarity. He is also delicious when combined with a wide variety of condiments. I personally recommend Nutella, but that will be for Jim Benning to decide.
Tall Man Who Might Just Be Two Kids in an Overcoat
The candidate I’m most excited about is the tall man that Canucks President Trevor Linden met while waiting in line for an R-rated movie. Standing eight feet tall with a long beard, tiny head, and youthful skin, the tall man, who introduced himself as Pikachu Grownupguy, would bring energy, enthusiasm, and much needed height to the bench.
There would be some scheduling conflicts that might make this a difficult hire. Grownupguy can’t stay up past 9pm, which would leave the Canucks coachless in the third period. He is also unable to bend at the waist, and there are concerns about his health, as every so often his stomach will sneeze.
The biggest knock against him? One just can’t shake the feeling that he is really just two kids in an overcoat.
