One of the most distinctive elements of the Vancouver Canucks is the sheer number of jerseys they've had in their history. Not just limited to different logos, the Canucks have had jerseys with colours on opposite sides of the colour wheel that completely clash with each other. They've had jerseys that challenge the very concept of jersey design. They've even had jerseys that aren't even Canucks jerseys, but from a completely different team.
Part of being a Canucks fan is having a firm opinion on which of those multifarious jerseys is the best one or, at the very least, which one is the absolute worst.
Vancouver band The Zolas proved their Canucks fan bona fides on Monday with their own ranking of Canucks jerseys — or at least the rankings of frontman Zachary Gray. Gray has described himself as a "lapsed hockey fan," disenchanted after the 2011 Stanley Cup Final ended with such disappointment, but that too is a very familiar feeling for most Canucks fans, many of whom fall in and out of love with the team throughout their lives.
The Zolas have been in the ears of Canucks fans already this year, as their tune "Come Back to Life" was used by Sportsnet throughout the 2020 Stanley Cup Playoffs as a soundtrack for Canucks highlights. The sentiment of coming back to life fit the Canucks playoff dreams after four years of missing the postseason, while the lyric, "I can feel the bubble over my head," took on new meaning in the NHL's playoff bubble.
Like The Zolas lyrics, Gray's ranking of the Canucks' many jerseys featured some quick-witted wordplay. Let's get into it.
In light of me having no good song ideas today and ppl questioning the #canucks logo and the emergence of this gradient abomination (attached), I'm going to rank all @Canucks jerseys from worst to best. pic.twitter.com/3NHG5QEK7e
— The Zolas (@thezolas) December 15, 2020
Gray declared the Canucks' new Reverse Retro jersey as the worst in Canucks history, which seems harsh, but understandable as you get into the rest of his rankings. For my part, I felt the Canucks' jersey was among the better Reverse Retro jerseys, though that perhaps speaks to the overall quality of most of the Reverse Retro jerseys overall.
The one above is the worst but it's a riff on this one: the 2nd worst. The colours seem picked at random, the logo is aggro-looking, hard for kids to draw and oozes small dick energy. A corporate-y try at Indigenous flair but it's Coast Salish like Papyrus.ttf is Egyptian. pic.twitter.com/w4vatdhJMZ
— The Zolas (@thezolas) December 15, 2020
"Coast Salish like Papyrus.ttf is Egyptian" is a deadly line and the most devastating burn on the orca logo I've ever heard. And he's right: these jerseys are bad, even if I'm not as disdainful of the orca logo as he is.
Of course, any time the Papyrus font is mentioned, all I can think of is Ryan Gosling's Oscar-worthy performance in the Saturday Night Live sketch about Papyrus and the movie Avatar.
Sorry about putting ooze and small dick in one sentence back there. The 3rd worst one has the same sde logo which actually reps its era perfectly when the team was at its gooniest and most impotent. Colours are stock and meaningless. pic.twitter.com/BilCZWqCIR
— The Zolas (@thezolas) December 15, 2020
To be fair, this was also the jersey of the West Coast Express era, which was a little less goony and a little more potent. It was an odd colour change away from the team's original royal blue and kelly green of the 70's or the Halloween yellow, orange, and black of the 80's and 90's.
I think the 4th worst is what we have now. It sucks just as much logo-wise but at least the colour is trying to represent place and history. Our original motif. It's got the blue of the sea and the green of the trees while feeling nothing like those things and clashing. pic.twitter.com/XK4YAM9k1u
— The Zolas (@thezolas) December 15, 2020
Personally, I believe the Canucks' current jerseys are the best they've ever had, but Vancouver's second-best indie rock band disagrees with me. Sorry, I'm partial to Said the Whale.
Shout out to the Vancouver Millionaires logo. Seems like a way more honest name for a team representing Vancouver now. Funny how when we all had jobs floating log booms through orcas pods we were the Millionaires and now we're infested with millionaires and our logo is an orca. pic.twitter.com/OSYcz1pHPq
— The Zolas (@thezolas) December 15, 2020
The image is a jersey the Canucks have never worn, though they did wear Vancouver Millionaires jerseys for three games, losing all three. It's a sore spot.
Simplicity. I'd put it in the same league as the Canadiens, Yankees, Cowboys, etc.. aka the hi-end brands who have the confidence to not fuck w it. The only con is the clashy colours but in this context it just suits us. Deep down we're a remote fishing outpost with bad style. pic.twitter.com/O2dDr57hiF
— The Zolas (@thezolas) December 15, 2020
Comparing the stick-in-rink to strong brands like the Canadiens, Yankees, and Cowboys is high praise indeed. If the new face of the Canucks is the stylish Elias Pettersson, however, I'm going to have to disagree with that "bad style" comment at the end there.
As a little kid Pavel Bure was my goat and he wore this jersey and it's got style and cohesion. Back then I didn't even perceive the logo as a skate so I just drew Habs logos in my cahiers. That's a shame. But besides that 1 major con this jersey is great and doesnt try too hard. pic.twitter.com/Mj1OJvpv1i
— The Zolas (@thezolas) December 15, 2020
In case listing all of the orca jerseys as the worst didn't tip you off to where this list was going, Gray points to the 90's flying skate logo and black, orange, and yellow colour scheme as the team's second-best jersey of all time.
Like Gray, I didn't realize the logo was a skate when I was a kid either. That seems like a significant failing of this jersey, one that might knock it down the list a bit more, but perhaps that's just me.
Obviously I was picking the flying V. Be weird and proud. Own the best-shaped letter in the alphabet. We look like we're guarding the fucking Vatican. How could u not want a jersey that looks 0% like any other team? If we stuck with this design we'd be legends of pro sports. -Zg pic.twitter.com/GqKIwYVFra
— The Zolas (@thezolas) December 15, 2020
Gray's top pick could be a controversial one. I'm a big fan of the flying-V jersey as well, even if I personally wouldn't have it in the top spot. It's utterly unique in the world of sports and would truly set the team apart.
In the replies, Gray mounted a vociferous defence of the flying-V.
"I don't get how people can be blasé about the Flying V," he said. "Don't they see that a design this bananas will never happen again? This Kubrickian dreamcoat chose us — one of the most forgettable teams in pro sports — to give us a unifying regalia known worldwide."
You can't argue with that. How about it Canucks? If the orca is proving too controversial, why not go back to this beautiful nightmare of a jersey?
