Living in America without my cushy, Canadian health insurance has forced me to rely on home remedies. I think we are spoiled in Canada and it has turned us into germ-susceptible babies. Your guts feel horrible? Go down to the free clinic and get sorted within the hour. You think you have chlamydia? The Sex Clinic on 12th is a dream. I remember waiting outside their doors before opening hours like it was Black Friday.
But America offers nothing. I went to Planned Parenthood last year and it took almost six hours to get examined, get my medicine and pay my massive fee. (I didn’t realize that Planned Parenthood works on a sliding scale, so always lie about how much money you make if you actually earn over the poverty line.) Laying on the doctor’s table with my legs spread, the nurse could tell I was Canadian just from looking up inside my vagina. The string of my IUD was a different color.
In America, you fuck defensively. I don’t take my health for granted living in the USA. It’s just not an option. I’ve acquired some great American tricks to improve your health and apparently, semen is the ultimate at-home anti-depressant.
According to a study conducted by researchers at SUNY Albany, semen is known to contain mood-altering chemicals like oxytocin, cortisol, serotonin, endorphins, estrone and melatonin which play in a factor in one’s overall happiness. Only 3.0 per cent of a load is sperm and the rest water, sugar and a various amount of over 50 different compounds including immunosuppressants (to keep women’s immune systems from destroying sperm). The semen study surveyed 298 college women and found that those who have oral sex or engage in unprotected sex were “happier than those who practiced safe sex.” Women who practiced safe sex were just as depressed as those who were abstinent. Vaginal tissue is very absorbent and sucks up all the good compounds. (So, where were all the gay men in this study? The anus and mouth are equally as absorbent as the vaginal tissue. That’s why British kids were dipping tampons in vodka and sticking them up their assholes to get drunk.)
Is semen absorption really what’s altering these college girl’s moods? Those who were having oral and unprotected sex on the regular were probably in a relationship that has reached the phase of “we no longer need condoms”. Perhaps the excitement of this was contributing to their over all happiness and not the semen serotonin? After all, one of the study’s conductors noted, "It may very well be the case that the anti-depressant properties of semen are dose dependent, and that repeated insemination may be necessary to get the effects." Were the abstinent people surveyed abstinent by choice or just couldn’t find anyone worth banging? College is a gross place full of men who think it’s acceptable to wear flip flops outside of their dorm rooms. Also, were the women having protected sex in relationships or single? Were they happy with their current relationship status? These are college-aged women. What person isn’t a roller coaster of emotional bullshit in their early twenties? And what about lesbians? Happy dykes should beg their male friends for loads so they can mix the liquid into their smoothies every morning? Semen saved my life. Well, semen and juicing.
Aristotle believed in the perfection of semen. It was the substance of the soul and never, ever to be wasted (relax, drama queen. There isn’t exactly a shortage of supply). Some people have even used bull semen to condition damaged hair. The Taoists were all about saving semen and tried to avoid ejaculation to conserve its powerful essence (AKA blue balls).
I think that semen is an anti-depressant in the same way that urinating on a jellyfish sting is a painkiller or inhaling your own feces will get you stoned. Before the world got all advanced with science and chemicals, we had to rely on our bodies and the earth. Maybe I’ll start stockpiling semen when I get really paranoid and worried about the apocalypse but for now, I think exercise and Jim Beam is my anti-depressant.
