I am a 24-year-old woman and I have the worst anxiety when it comes to going on dates. It's so bad I can barely figure out what to say when someone messages me on Tinder. I constantly doubt myself and I feel frozen. It's as though I'm having a small, paralyzing attack of self-doubt.
I am confident in every other aspect of my life (my job involves public speaking on the regular), but when it comes to dating I regress. All my girlfriends tell me to have a drink to relax but I don't drink and I don't want to. What do I do?
Oh, anxiety, my old, ugly, annoying friend that shows up unannounced with way too much baggage. She is the worst. I hate you, anxiety. Please take your shit and go home.
I wish it was that easy, but it's not. Only psychopaths are free of anxiety. According to psychiatrist Hervey Cleckley's book The Mask of Sanity, not only are psychopaths unable to love, they are also incapable of getting nervous. They don't experience fear or anxiety in any capacity. Sweaty hands, butterflies that make you want to vomit, racing blood – none of it. "Cold-blooded psychopath" is quite a literal term. This is their biological phenomenon.
Next time you get that sick, nervous feeling in your stomach, don't think of it as crippling, but a reminder that you are a normal human being who is capable of empathy and love.
I've had anxiety my whole life. At one point, it was so bad and involuntary I could not keep food or drink down. I would throw up after a sip of coffee. I would have lunch with my co-workers and throw up on the street. I was fighting the urge to puke every other breath. I was in a constant state of anxiety. I went to the doctor. He tested me. He made me swallow this gross liquid and put me on a stretcher, next to a big machine and turned me upside down. The tests came back and nothing was physically wrong with me. I just had to learn how to calm down. I was going through some rejection. My issue wasn't involuntary bulimia, but losing someone I had loved.
Everyone gets nervous but when your anxiety is so crippling you can't even stomach drinks with another human being who you maybe would want to sleep with, then we have a problem. I don't know what I can say that hasn’t been said to you by friends before. I am sure you have heard it all. How long has this been going on? Have you ever had a successful relationship? Is there a missing piece to this story? What's in your baggage?
I admire that you aren't using alcohol to self-medicate. I have done that my entire life and it does nothing but make you unhealthy and reliant.
I've been reading this book by former McGill professor Ann Dowsett Johnston called Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol. So often when we suffer from anxiety or depression, we chalk it up to a female issue and use alcohol to cope. The fact that you have stayed away from this easy out is something you should be proud of.
You are 24-years-old. You should be having fun and being courted, not whipping yourself into a frenzy over a reply on Tinder.
Have you every tried group dates? Have a friend set you up and go on a group date with her in tow. Perhaps having a friend there will give you familiarity and a boost of confidence. Then, after a few of those, you can take the training wheels off.
It's just a date. You aren't walking down the aisle into your arranged marriage. You are meeting someone new and asking them questions about their life. It's basic. It's human interaction.
As for Tinder, I think you shouldn't message with someone for too long. Exchange numbers and arrange to meet up. I don't believe in this constant messaging garbage. Get out from behind the screen. Without human touch, you are missing an essential part of interaction.
If you really don't feel as though you can get over this on your own, I suggest you see a therapist or someone who can actually help you address the issues of your past that you aren't telling me. Don't resort to booze or SSRIs. The whole world is addicted to that crap. You are already a step up.
You can fix it once you actually address the root of the problem. But until you face that, not much will change. I know you can do this.
