I’m a woman and I need help! I made friends with his girl a few years ago. We hit it off right away, like that immediate friend-crush thing, and we quickly became best pals. We spent every day together and confided in one another with every aspect of our lives. I opened up to her, which is not an easy thing for me, and trusted her with all my heart. I thought she did the same with me. I had to go away for work for about three months to Calgary, and we kept in touch, but I was not in Vancouver with her. While I was away, we continued to text and talk, but obviously our closeness changed a bit, because it wasn’t face-to-face and hanging out. When I got back to Vancouver, I found out that she started dating my ex-boyfriend. They are now moved in together and a “thing.” I went out with this guy for a few years, and even though we broke up before I met his girl, it really bothers me that she didn’t even tell me what was going on. Now things are tense between us on my end, but she seems fine. I don’t know how to let this go, or if I really can. It pisses me off that she was not honest with me and I had to find out through the grapevine of our friend circle. How do I talk to her about this? How can I remain friends with her? I’m angry and I don’t want to be. I don’t love my ex anymore or anything, but it’s the dishonesty that makes me feel as though I can’t trust her anymore. What should I do?
I completely understand your anger and, without a doubt, it is justified. However, whether you want to hold onto that anger and let it ruin your friendship is your call.
When I was in my mid-twenties, I started dating a friend of mine who was also friends with my ex. Even though my ex and I were well over, we had been together for a long time. The new guy I started dating decided that he needed to call up my ex and let him know that we were seeing one another. I was kind of blown away at how direct and honest he was. He just called up my ex, told him he wanted the news to come from him and not another friend, and they put the issue to rest. I don’t think their friendship was ever the same, or that close to begin with, but I think ex-boyfriend respected the honesty. It was a very mature and respectful thing to do.
Perhaps your friend wanted to wait until you got back into town before she told you what was happening. Maybe she had a plan to sit you down, face-to-face, friend-to-friend, and be the bearer of awkward news. Gossip could have wedged in the way of this. People talk, and those people talked enough that the news of your friend and your ex got back to you before she could tell you.
On the other hand, she could be a coward who had no plan of telling you. You won’t know unless you just ask her.
I think you should meet up with your pal and just talk it out. No one ever destroyed a relationship by talking. This is the only way to get past the big shit that bugs you. I wish people would be more inclined to just hash it out mug-to-mug. Body language and presence are so important. You can’t see her emotions through a text conversation.
Forgiveness is going to be your call, and whether she even apologies for this new relationship is up in the air. Again, you have to just talk to her. I would like to believe that she didn’t do this to spite you, but she just happened to have a spark with your ex-boyfriend that she wanted to get some more of. There is a reason you and he broke up: You didn’t want to be with one another anymore. So, does it really matter who he finds happiness with?
It’s going to be annoying, strange, stomach-churning and weird to see them together, but you’ll get over it. Without speaking to her, you won’t; you’ll harbour all your anger until it finally explodes in a rage. And no one looks cute in a rage. Talk to your friend. If you were meant to be friends, you will be. Talking solves everything. Open up that snake jaw and get down to business.
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