I've been dating this girl and she keeps asking me to role-play rape, and to pretend to rape her, but it makes me feel weird. My fear of acting in this role, primarily due to the terrifying idea that I would actually enjoy playing it, has led to tension in previous relationships. I am wondering how I might become more comfortable with this idea. Alternatively, if it's something I just can't do, what are some sensitive ways to communicate this. I have noticed my previous reactions have led to my partners being less willing to share other fantasies in the future. Am I being stupid?
If you are being stupid or not depends on one clarification: the purpose of your reluctance. Are you opposed to her rape fantasy in some "White Knight" morality crusade to support feminism, and prevent the perpetuation of "rape culture"? Or, are you not down to fake rape your girlfriend because the idea of forcing someone who is wincing and disgusted by your advances, even if you know it's role play, super unsexy? Does your boner turtle at the idea of fucking someone who has no interest in you? If you find yourself nodding along with the latter, congratulations: stupid you are not.
Men who rape are losers. They are psychopathic, sexually dysfunctional humans because no mentally sound human gets off on shoving their penis into a crying, struggling victim. Sadly, rape will always be a part of our society. Demented, deranged, damaged people roam the world. But for the most part, they are the minority.
Back in 2009, two researchers at the University of North Texas took data from 20 different studies over the last three decades and found that between 31 and 57 per cent of women have rape fantasies, and these fantasies are frequent in up to 17 per cent of those women. The subjects all had varying reasons for their rape fantasies, ranging from masochism, desirability (the woman is so attractive the man must have her at any cost) to “Sexual Blame Avoidance” (for women who feel as though asking for sex would make them tramps, then guilt is removed in coerced sex). One other idea was "sympathetic activation," the nervous system becomes engaged in times of danger pumping out a flight or fight response marked by respiration, increased heart rate and genital arousal. Again, all of these things are fantasy; they are play. Our psychology is deep, twisted and full of loopholes. It is not cut and dry.
My editor Tracie Egan Morrissey did a piece for VICE years back called, "One Rape, Please (To Go)" where she paid some random to fulfill her rape fantasy. Ultimately, the guy ended up completely falling for her and embodying the opposite of the dangerous, thrilling sexual experience her loins were after. It's a hilarious piece that you should read.
A fantasy is just that, and there is nothing wrong with acting them out in the bedroom with people who trust one another. Your girlfriend is scripting the fantasy, so consent is implied and that is the opposite of a rape. Furthermore, in the fantasy, she is being raped by YOU, a guy she is dating and thinks is attractive. It's safe. It's role play. That's why we explore these kind of sexual desires with someone we trust. These experiences are improv. They don't involve uncontrollable violence. A real rape, a disgusting, life-threatening rape, is rarely used as masturbation material for the victim years later.
Ask your girlfriend why she is so into this fantasy and see if there is a way that you can work within it. She probably just wants you to dominate her in a way you haven't before. She wants to be squished like a submissive little bug, crushed under the weight and power of you, and fucked like crazy. There is this scene in Sex and the City where the WASP-y, marriage-obsessed "prude,” Charlotte, screams, "Don't you just ever want to be really pounded hard, you know? Dammit, I just really want to be fucked!" Sometimes that's all one wants.
What is your regular sex like? Are you dominant in the sack or is she the more aggressive one? If you like her and she wants this, why not try it for her sake? If you are having trouble getting past it, remember that she wants this from you. Don't worry about enjoying the fantasy too much because this is not a real rape and that does not make you sick or twisted. This is the one time where saying "she asked for it" is the irrefutable truth (don’t forget to use a safe word!). And as the saying goes, "you can't rape the willing.”
