A man is walking down the street with his girlfriend/wife/partner and a conversation (of the one-sided variety) begins.
She begins to tell a story about some recent unpleasantness, he suggests an obvious solution, and before you know it, theyre having a fight. The man is accused of being a terrible listener, and cant figure out why. How did this happen?
Dr. Steven Lake, author of Talk2ME: How To Communicate With Women, and a general relationship expert, has plenty to say about the way men communicate and miscommunicate with their partners. His book specifically deals with the way that men interact with women, and the pitfalls that men can fall into.
Men are problem solvers. When a woman begins to talk about something, men immediately come up with a solution, says Lake. A solution might not be asked for just listening is important.
When men are fumbling around for a solution, conclusions may be jumped to, and that further strains things. It makes women feel like theyre not being listened to, which makes them feel disrespected.
It often comes down to that basic difference between sexes when dealing with emotions rather than problems, some men shut down.
Even simple physical gestures are important, Lake says. When men stop making eye contact and start breathing heavily (with lots of sighs in between), it makes you seem impatient. It shouldnt surprise anyone that his behaviour is perceived as rude. Frustration runs both ways, and open communication drops when neither side has any idea of what the other person is trying to convey.
We get upset when our answers are rebuffed, Lake says. Men feel uncomfortable, and they dont know what to do.
So what can men do? Just listen, and dont try to think of a solution, Lake says. Support might be all thats asked for.
Explaining how the other persons comments make you feel opens the situation up for more fair listening, instead of a one-sided discussion with one person talking and the other person tuning them out. Speak the truth, and tell her what youre feeling, Lake tells men.
If you find yourself falling into the rut, take a moment to think about whats needed from a dialogue. Identify feelings and emotional states, but dont necessarily look for answers. Simply stating where you two stand may make an ocean of difference.
