I’ll never forget the first time I farted on the guy I was sleeping with. We were laying in bed one morning, spooning with my butt to his stomach and I farted, right on him.
In my half-asleep haze, my mind immediately realized I had just let go of all my so-called feminine mystique out of my asshole. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Dan*,” I murmured in an attempt to save myself. My boyfriend’s name was James*. Dan was my ex.
Whenever I relay this story the consensus is the same: I fucked up pretty big. Not only did I fart on my boyfriend, but I proceeded to call him my ex-boyfriend’s name. In a way, it was kind of a blessing. The name mishap over-shadowed the fart.
But the fart. When is it cool to fart in front of the person you sleep with? Is it really ever? How do the “rules” differ for men and women? Straights? Gays? Lesbians? Amish? (The Amish probably use their farts to power their gas lamps or whatever.) And why is this still a question? Why do we care so much about bodily functions? Everybody farts. That’s just a fact.
Some people think they have the answer. A few have even written books about it (one in particular The Fart Footorial: Farting Fundamentals, Master Blaster Techniques and the Complete Toot Taxonomy by Dan DiSorbo and Ben Applebaum, I think it won some major literary awards or maybe a Nobel) but the general consciences coming from both men and women is that men think farts are hilarious and they can be sprinkled into the relationship is a various of comedic and adorable ways.
Women, on the other hand, do not shit so why would they ever fart? And if they do have to fart, there are techniques to combat it like farting into a pillow, running the shower while retreating to the bathroom or elegantly letting one slip masking it in the noise and smells of a polluted city street.
Tracy Clark Flory did a fart study for Salon. Using Twitter, she asked her audience what they thought about farting in front of their sex partners and the results were pretty varied. Some men had a rough time breaking the seal, while others encouraged “pull my finger” stuff and laughed at their wives when they farted instead of recoiling in repulsion. It has less to do with your genitals and more to do with the individual. However, the stereotypical imbalance remained.
This is my theory about the social etiquette of flatulence in relationships and it stems from a story I read by some dumb ass named Kyle Scott at the Philadelphia sports blog Crossing Broad. Scott tells a story about this girl he used to sleep with who he was totally attracted to, they break up but the attraction never fades, one night he see’s her out at a bar and they end up dancing. Suddenly, a brain freezing smell hits him in the face. She raises her hand and claims ownership of the horrific stench.
“Like she was fucking proud of it,” Scott writes. “Like a child who had just shat in the big boy toilet.”
I don’t think farting is a deal breaker by any means, even though it is considered immature. Kids find farts funny and is it really sexy to think of the person you’re sleeping with having the maturity level of a fourth grader? Reverse the gender roles in Scott’s story and any person (gay, straight, lesbian, or Amish) could have that same reaction.
So, maybe it’s not so much a gender thing but more of a maturity thing.
But once you get to a certain level of unity and love, once you are no longer nit-picking everything your partner does but can accept them for the basic, farting, burping, every day human being we all truly are, then who gives a shit about mystique and maturity when a fart slips out?
At some point, it can start to be funny. Besides, sometimes immaturity, like a fart, is a great release.
Pun totally intended.
*Names changed
Follow Mish Way on Twitter @myszkaway
