History peaked around 1987, all right? So I get this invitation to tour some tech headquarters down in California and stay at the Residence Inn by Marriott San Jose Cupertino. Rad!
Cupertino’s where Steve Wozniak invented the original Apple, the computer equivalent of flying the Millennium Falcon, you know? Talking 1976. And then Steve Jobs made the iPhone and everything went to hell. Social media. Bippity-boop, somebody likes me! Well, woo-hoo! I don’t need to be liked.
Anyway, I’m down there, and this nice Bay Area lady, Sharon Traeger of Traeger Tours, throws me and these other geeks in a luxurious mini-van with leather upholstery. It’s pure northern California sunshine and we start tooling around while Sharon gives us the history.
Silicon Valley used to be all apricot trees and farms. Then these eight dudes, the “Traitorous Eight” who jumped ship from Shockley Semiconductor Laboratory, founded Fairchild here. That corporation invented the integrated circuit, which the U.S. government needed to build a satellite to counter the 1957 Soviet launch of Sputnik. Back when we knew how to handle the Russkies, okay?
“They call it the first trillion-dollar startup,” says Sharon. “Over 70 percent of the companies in Silicon Valley can trace their roots back to Fairchild.” And in 1968, Robert Noyce and Gordon Moore jumped ship again to start Intel, the world’s longtime biggest chip-maker.
We pull into the Intel parking lot to check out their museum (open daily except Sundays, free of charge). It’s Intel’s 50th anniversary. Now that’s staying power. You kids still like your MySpace? Ha ha! That’s a joke.
The museum resembles a “clean room” where they make chips, with blowers and a perforated floor to avoid impurities. It shows how Intel makes chips for planes, ATMs, cars, medical equipment, you name it. You can stick your face through a hole and take a photo as a dude in a “bunny suit” — like one of the guys who comes to take away E.T., basically.
There’s a great quote from Intel founder Bob Noyce: “Technology is the looking glass through which we can pass to advance the collective knowledge of mankind and create a better world to live in.” Better world? I dunno. On display is a 1975 Altair 8800 computer you could build for $439. Sweet! Who does that now?
And kids — do they even read books? The Intel gift shop has a blue-and-white soccer ball for $18.95 and a corporate golf shirt for $27.95, but if, say, I want to read The Intel Trinity: How Robert Noyce, Gordon Moore, and Andy Grove Built the World's Most Important Company by Michael S. Malone, they tell me I gotta order from Amazon. Boo! Anyway, 50 years...mucho respect.
Onward we boogie to Google. The world’s biggest Internet search company was founded in the 20th century (1998) — I can roll with that. Outside the Google Store at the Googleplex in Mountain View, goofy statues depicting Android operating systems await: Cupcake, Donut, Gingerbread. (Just wanna point out that in the 80’s, Steve Wozniak gave us not only the US Festival with Van Halen and David Bowie, but also a healthy and nutritious Apple logo.)
Inside, boy, the store is 21st century. They’re launching a clothing line with “denim that responds to your touch.” I shake my head at the $350 Levi’s jacket with a button you stroke to answer your phone. Couldn’t ya wait and use your land line at home? A giant Google Earth screen lets you zoom in on where you live— or the Roman Colosseum, or Washington, D.C., like the totalitarians in front of me do. This is majorly what George Orwell predicted in 1984, all right?
Virtual reality goggles, smart thermostats, hacky-sacks...this light, spacious store has it all. Except books, of course. But then I realize, “It’s Google, fool!” They want you online. What I want is antithetical to where they’re going.
What Facebook wants is to not let tourists into their Frank Gehry-designed headquarters, located in Menlo Park at 1 Hacker Way. “Facebook bought the old Sun Microsystems building and renovated it,” Sharon explains. “Employees can access a woodwork shop, poster shop, arcade and other amenities.” No reason to ever leave, eh?
Graffiti-style art is visible inside the sprawling, glass-heavy buildings, and light blue bikes are provided for employees to get around. Facebook also designates parking spots for expectant mothers. (Not that I’m procreating, but how expectant do you have to be? Just curious. Anyway, nice touch, Mark Zuckerberg.)
When I snap a photo of Facebook headquarters, a security guard marches up and “recommends” that I go get a shot of myself with the giant thumbs-up sign at the entrance instead. Cool, dude.
In Cupertino, I’m jacked to see Apple’s new visitor center, which launched in November. Surrounded by olive trees, it’s right outside the spaceship-like 2.8-million-square-foot Apple Park headquarters, constructed from 2008 to 2017. Sharon notes that Wozniak lives in nearby Los Gatos and is always around. I live in fanboy hope!
The architecture is dazzling, with transparent walls and a quartz staircase leading to the terrace on the carbon-fiber roof. In the washroom, I momentarily think I’ve spotted the young Woz with his unruly hair and beard, but of course, the man’s 67 now. Upstairs in the sleek coffee shop, I’m served my $3 Americano by pleasantly bland millennial dudes with faded beards. This is one laidback, glassy future.
I pick up chief designer Jony Ive’s huge coffee table book, Designed by Apple in California, and read the introduction, “We begin this archive with the translucent iMac of 1998, and we conclude with the Apple Pencil of 2015.” But I want the Apple IIc, not all these high-end gadgets!
So I bug Sharon, “Can we stop by Steve Jobs’ house?” And Sharon — whose husband, incidentally, worked at Electronic Arts on such 80’s video game classics as Paperboy and One on One: Dr. J vs. Larry Bird — says yes!
Now you’re thinking, “Brother, didn’t you just dump on the late Mr. Jobs about the iPhone?” Yes, but his garage is sacred. In this single-storey, ranch-style house at 2066 Crist Drive, Jobs and Wozniak, who met through the Homebrew Computing Club, built that first Apple computer.
It’s utterly ordinary, but I get a little choked up after taking all these ridiculous pictures in the bright Los Altos sunshine. That’s what happens when you see somewhere that spawned so much of your 1980’s childhood. (I did not cry, okay? No crying.) Sharon rules.
And to paraphrase Guns ‘N Roses’ “Paradise City,” I’m singing, “Take me down to the Silicon Valley,” by the time we get back to the Residence Inn, which is 15 minutes from the San Jose airport.
The ultra-high-speed wireless Internet and well-equipped gym are plusses, but I don’t need the ensuite kitchen — not with happy hour in the lobby with complimentary Shock Top and Kona Longboard Lager beer. And the surrounding Main Street Cupertino outdoor mall is chock-a-block with over-the-top American dining options, which I sample over the next two days. Oren’s Hummus delights with chicken skewers and homemade lemonade with mint leaves. On the Lazy Dog patio, I devour the Black and Blue Pizza with Cajun chicken breast, smoked bacon and blue cheese. In the exclusive wine room at Alexander’s, it’s the culinary equivalent of “Eye of the Tiger” as I power through a 22-ounce New York steak with mashed potatoes and broccoli and devil’s food cake for dessert. Yowsah!
I still don’t hold with all this new-fangled mobile technology and such, but Silicon Valley, you’ve melted a little bit of my inner curmudgeon. Now, back to 1987. Hail Woz!
Lucas Aykroyd was a guest of the Residence Inn by Marriott San Jose Cupertino. Ya think they approved this article? Do ya? Get real. Contact Traeger Tours for your customized tour of Silicon Valley, San Francisco, or California’s wine country.
