I’m sure I’ve had a bad pickup line used on me, but I was either too oblivious or too drunk to notice it. I spent my 20s partying my nose off, and when you act that stupid, you tend to miss the little nuances in life. I’ve always been relentlessly dim when it comes to realizing when someone is putting the moves on me. Not until a man says “I love you” am I really sure he’s down with this clown.
The best pickup move anyone ever pulled on me came from my husband. This was long before we even started dating. We lived on opposite sides of the border, so occasional texting was all we had. One day, I was sitting in the park with some friends, soaking up that one week of beautiful Vancouver sunshine, when my phone pinged. I had completely forgotten about that long-haired guy in Los Angeles who looked like a human colouring book. We spitballed back and forth for a while, each text pushing the flirtation harder and harder, until he blew my mind with the best sext of all time. A photo of him standing naked in the mirror with his Stratocaster guitar balanced in front, hiding his dick. This guy gets it, I thought. He is hilarious.
Not everyone is as comedic and sexy as my husband. In fact, most people suck at pickup lines. Here are some of the worst of the worst, sent in from my readers.
“Come on over to Myspace and Twitter my Yahoo till I Google all over your Facebook.”
“Are you sure you’re not into men?”
“Damn, you’re going to the buffet again?!?”
“Are you a jugalette or just down with the clown?”
“Do you like to party?”
“What’s your religion?”
“You’ll do. I’ll come back for you later.”
“Come with me if you want to live!” – Screamed by a man “tripping balls” before he ran into the night away from the girl he was chasing.
"Do you want to kiss me?" "No." "How about a blow job then?"
“That’s what I thought.” – Said to a woman by a man after he grabbed her pussy
“That’s what I thought.” – Said to a woman by a man after he grabbed her boobs
“Want to start a business?”
“Your ass looks like a bunch of puppies struggling to get out of a paper bag.”
“Your shirt is the same color as my ex-girlfriend’s mom’s vagina.”
“Want to see my bed?”
“I have an earthquake-proof bed.”
“Need a ride home? I have two MetroCards.”
“I’m homeless.”
“Have you seen the inside of a trunk?”
“Are you my mom? Because I think my whole body belongs inside you.”
“Can I pee between your legs?”
“Can I smell your feet?”
“Smell my Motorhead shirt.”
“I can’t remember the exact pickup line the guy said but it was something super lame. He wouldn’t leave me alone and I finally told him to ‘fuck off’, then he goes, ‘Tribe 8 called, they want their bass player back!’ It was so fucking funny I shot vodka out my nose.”
