I spend significant mental energy planning what I will do when the zombie apocalypse hits Vancouver. I’m pretty honest with myself. I know being verbose and well-endowed with soft skills will not make up for my asthmatic running speed or lack of depth perception. I know my best chance is to paddle out to a small Gulf Island populated by a few meek, old hippies and set to work depopulating the place whilst planting a vegetable garden.
I know my plan is incomplete and wouldn’t get me through a day in post-apocalyptic Vancouver. This is why I hold on to a rusty jar of pickles from 2008. This pickle jar, which I’m pretty sure by now is 50 per cent botulism-causing bacteria, is my exit strategy when the zombies come. We aren’t in America, where firearms are easily obtained, so I plan to down half the pickle jar, before passing it to my significant other, with a vinegary kiss and assertions of our eternal love. Then, I don’t know. I haven’t really researched the onset of botulism. I hope it’s a quick death. I hope it makes us taste terrible to the zombies who will eat us.
One area I have neglected in my walking dead prep is the question of what to wear. Luckily, my neighbours Ruth Meta and Brian Parfitt, who own the Strathcona flower shop Floral and Hardy, are on top of the issue. For nearly a year they have been planning a zombie fashion show. The event, which will take place on Saturday, Sept. 5th at noon outside their shop (688 East Hastings), will include both professional designers as well as student contributors from Blanche MacDonald Centre, Emily Carr University of Art and Design, and the Art Institute.
The fashion show was dreamed up as a primer event for the annual Zombie Walk Vancouver. Every year since 2005, zombies have walked en masse through the streets of Vancouver with attendance peaking a few years ago upwards of 4,000. This year's walk is scheduled to start at 3 p.m. this Saturday at the Vancouver Art Gallery steps.
Floral and Hardy owners and their army of students, local artists, and neighbours will be rolling out a black carpet for the catwalk, and all zombie attire will be auctioned off to raise money for three local non-profit groups. Proceeds will be shared equally by the designer, Aboriginal Front Door, Ray Cam Community Centre, and AIDS Vancouver.
Meta also told me the event is intended to give people a chance to be silly. She noted the world is a difficult place to be these days, and people need an outlet. It’s possible she’s hit on the reason why zombie walks occur and why zombie TV shows like The Walking Dead are so popular they get their own spin-offs. Maybe the fantasy of the dumb hunger of a zombie gives us some relief from the bleak reality of climate change, terrible forest fires and whatever else plagues one’s conscience.
The U.S. Centers for Disease Control has found talking about preparing for the zombie apocalypse is easier than asking people to get together their earthquake kit, or to prepare for any other kind of natural disaster that is likely to throw us into at least temporary chaos. In 2011, they launched an emergency preparedness campaign framed around zombie preparedness.
If you’re prepared for zombies, you’re probably in good shape if a flash flood or hurricane hits, is their message. Having a well-stocked pantry, first aid kit and a rain barrel are universally helpful, no matter what kind of disaster we’re up against. Can I note how useful a head lamp would be? During five seasons of The Walking Dead, an entire canon of film classics, none of the characters has ever hit the Mountain Equipment Co-op for a hands-free alternative to the clumsy flashlight. It’s enraging.
If there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that a tight knit community is the recipe for resiliency. That’s just one more reason to head out to the zombie festivities this Saturday.
When the sh*t hits the fan, it’s your neighbours (and maybe a crossbow) that will get you through.
