Jack Knox’s column will not appear today. It being Valentine’s Day, he has once again relinquished the space to relationship guru Dr. Romance.
Dear Dr. Romance,
The rule of thumb says that to avoid detection, people having extramarital affairs should conduct them at least “two bridges” away from home. However, that would appear to be at odds with B.C.’s restrictions on non-essential travel. In these unprecedented times, shouldn’t we pivot to one bridge to remain COVID-compliant? Also, does the Johnson Street Bridge count? It’s pretty short.
Eddie in Esquimalt
Dear Eddie: Ask your wife.
Dear Dr. Romance,
Me and the missus was all set to board a plane for Acoappulca, Accaplucco, er, Mexico when that damn communist just like his father Trudeau cancelled our flight, though not before I caught an eyeful of the flight attendant and paid her a real nice compliment: “I’d like to flatten your curves.”
So then the missus says, oops, that damn Trudeau says that counts as foreign contact and I have to quarantine in the garden shed for two weeks and — get this — pay Ottawa $2,000 for the privilege of doing so. “Just give me the cash and I’ll deliver it myself,” she says helpfully before padlocking me in the shed. That was nine days ago and I’ve run out of food and water. Should I be getting worried?
Leering in Langley
Dear Leering,
No, she’s probably gone to get your vaccine.
Dear Dr. Romance,
So, we finally finished watching every show on Netflix. Now it looks like we’re going to have to break down and talk to each other. But after a year cowering in the basement, it’s not like we’ve got anything new to say. Got any topics suitable for her first romantic dinner in 12 months?
Baffled in the Bunker
Dear Baffled,
Try these conversation starters:
A) “Who would win a foot race, Dr. Bonnie or Adrian Dix?”
B) “Does this look like it’s infected?”
C) “I have a list of things that would make you a better wife….”
D) “Wouldn’t it be great if the two of us could spend every single day together for the rest of our lives, just like we have for the past year? Wait, where are you going?”
Dear Dr. Romance,
She complains that I never “express my feelings.” What does that mean?
Perplexed in Parksville
Dear Perplexed,
You know how your beer suddenly tasted flat when the Canucks lost Tanev and Markstrom to Calgary? This is called a “feeling.” Ignore it: like gas, it will pass (though not as well as Tanev.)
Dear Dr. Romance,
My super hot boyfriend Justin T keeps hinting suggestively about taking our relationship to the next level and having a — eeeuuw — “spring election” but I said “not until you put a ring on it: give me a vaccine first.” So he goes “baby, trust me, it’s on its way” so I say “show me the Moderna” and he says “I’ve got Pfizer” so I say “the other Pfizer” and he says “they’ve promised me lots by the second quarter” so I said “Yeah? Well, you promised electoral reform by 2019 and look what happened.” So he gave me the puppy dog eyes and said I should ignore the “noise.” Am I wrong to doubt him?
Suspicious in Squamish
Dear Suspicious,
No vaccine, no vote, no Valentine
Dear Dr. Romance,
At this time last year, one was ensconced in one’s secluded North Saanich estate, where not only did one’s new neighbours protect one’s privacy from the prying paparazzi, but the Strait of Georgia (named for one’s great-great-great-great-great grandfather!) provided a nice anti-pandemic moat.
But then one hopped onto a private jet for California so that one could live closer to — get this — one’s mother-in-law. Has one made a ghastly mistake?
(The artist formerly known as Prince) Harry of Horth Hill
Dear Harry,
Street food at the Sidney market, Butchart fireworks, hot dogs at the HarbourCats, picnic blanket at Symphony Splash, and none of it with anyone hassling you. Of course one did.
Dear Dr. Romance
She comes back from the salon and asks: “Notice anything different about me?” So, I say “Well, you’ve gotten really unpleasant since you packed on those COVID 19.” I thought I would get credit for expressing my feelings but she exploded like I was wearing Alberta licence plates. What do I do?
Nonplussed in Nanaimo
Dear Nonplussed
Buy her an exercise bike (but not a Peloton, because they’re expensive.) Her reaction will be unforgettable.
Dear Dr. Romance
You’re not a real doctor, are you?
Doubtful in Duncan
Dear Doubtful,
As always, Dr. Romance cures heartache and writes prescriptions for love.
